


"Hungry Hearts Heal"

by ElleElle20



Category: Hungry Hearts (2014), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU - Modern Setting, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben's a Single Dad, Ben's an Engineer, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Loss, Grief/Mourning, HEA, Love, Mutual Pining, Rey's a Grief Counselor, Sexual Tension, Soft Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:01:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24333256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElleElle20/pseuds/ElleElle20
Summary: It’s six almost seven years after Ben’s wife was murdered, he continues facing struggles with grief, single-parenthood, isolation, loneliness, darkness, and forgiveness. An introduction to a new therapist for his son opens up a world of possibilities and ultimately shines much needed LIGHT on it all.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 144
Kudos: 87





	1. "Survivors"

Ben sat despondent looking out of his office window. It was a state which had been constant for him the past few months. And now, after having the brief conversation with his son’s teacher, his condition had worsened --- he dreaded having to go to the parent/teacher meeting he had just scheduled.

Ms. Connix seemed nice enough when they first met earlier in the school year. Jude appeared to be comfortable with her and eager to learn from her. But Ben was certain, however, that she was totally unaware of the ghosts she had unleashed no more than five minutes ago….. Ghosts both living and dead that he confronted daily, but that flooded him now with an intensity that only guilt and shame could fuel. Fear --- Self-loathing and self-hatred began to seep into his very soul.

**_I am a fool, I am unlovable. My bad choices and decisions aren’t just ruining my life, but my son’s life, too. He’s the only thing good in my world and I’m jeopardizing him again now as well! Ben Solo the widower, the single parent, the absolute failure of a father._ **

His stomach wrenched.

Suddenly, Mitaka poked his head in Ben’s office door, “Dude, what’s up? You haven’t responded to any emails this morning. You good….?”

Jarred but grateful for the interruption, Ben nodded, “Um --Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry – been a little scattered today. I gotta lot going on, Doph.” Ben breathed in deeply and raked his hair, snapping back to reality. “I’ll get right on those emails for the Raddus Project”.

Mitaka gave him a thumbs-up and headed back down the hall to his own office. He was the one coworker Ben felt comfortable around. They looked out for each other. He was also the only one at the Kenobi Engineering Firm who knew the entire truth about Ben. They had an earned and shared trust.

***

The subway ride home was uneventful. It blurred by so quickly that Ben nearly missed his stop. All the while he thought of his 2:00pm meeting tomorrow with Kaydel Connix. He wanted desperately to receive good news, but Ben knew teachers rarely used the term concerns when describing stellar students. He hoped for the best, and tried to rid himself of all the negativity he was still experiencing from earlier. The last thing he wanted was to burden Jude with his own anxiety.

Jude was a beautiful, loving, and sensitive boy. Ben loved his big heart and his capacity to be considerate and generous to others. He was also smart, insightful and very creative. But Ben knew he couldn’t live in denial about the effects losing his mother so young had on him. Those scars weren’t visible but there all the same. Ben knew all too well that he wasn’t the only one damaged. So he decided as he ascended the stairs to the street’s surface he would keep the discussion about the conference tomorrow to a minimum for Jude’s sake.

***

As Ben entered their apartment both Jude and Rose greeted him with big hugs. “Dad, we saved you dinner – it’s in the microwave! Rose made quesadillas!” Jude dashed off to his room with a loud whoop of excitement.

He smiled warmly as he shouted after his son. “Sounds great, Kid! I’m starved." Ben sighed the sigh of a man happy to be home, and he dropped his backpack and jacket.

“So, Rose, how was Jude today? I got a call from his teacher this afternoon; we’re meeting tomorrow about her concerns.” He sucked in air hard, before he weighed his next words. “Have you noticed anything ... um, different lately?”

Rose smiled cheerfully, and added, “Nothing out of the ordinary, he’s still a little withdrawn at times but much less frequently.” She watched him nuke his dinner, and then added, “I’ll go get him ready for bed.”

Ben sat at his kitchen island and positively smashed the quesadillas. He glanced over at the mail basket, and saw three more horrible reminders of his past. The ghosts coming back to haunt him again. A letter from Bedford Hills Correctional Facility, a letter from Binghamton Property Management, LLC., and a letter from the New York City Parole Board... All were reminders of the living ghost – Leia Organa Solo! Ugh - _I desperately need to go to a meeting_ , he thought to himself.

After a bath, a story and preparing for bedtime with Rose, Ben play wrestled with his charming nine year old. He pulled him ever so close to his chest. "Jude, I’ll be getting you from school tomorrow. And I’ll be speaking with Ms. Connix for a little while, too. She asked me to this afternoon.” He said, rather matter of fact.

Jude chimed, “Sweet!” Ben loosened his grip a bit and gazed tenderly down at his little boy, “You know how much I love you, don’t you?”

Jude nuzzled his head into his father’s chest, “Yeah, Dad, and I love you, too.” Ben ruffled his son’s hair and kissed his forehead as he removed the few scattered transformers from under the covers and lovingly tucked him in.

“Nite nite, Kid.” Ben whispered as he turned out the light, headed for the door and left it slightly ajar. As Ben entered the living room, he stopped to ask Rose if she’d give him another hour to make one of his grief group meetings. Rose nodded and shooed him out the door with a smile.

***

The church basement offered a kind of used, worn welcome. Ben had become comfortable for the past few years sharing, supporting and caring with others’ suffering from the loss of loved ones. It had been awhile, though since he had been to one. He bent down to avoid the low ceiling and sat quickly in the hard familiar folding chair, then he simply listened. It was always so helpful and cathartic to simply listen. Ben couldn’t help but notice Bazine, she didn’t share but was seated nearby. After the meeting ended, she made a bee-line over to him. There was a time he considered dating her --- her idea of course, but having Bazine as a good friend now was easier and far more helpful in hindsight.

“It’s great to see you, Ben! How’re things with you and Jude?” she asked with a sincere and genuinely concerned look.

“Good, thanks. You look great, Bazine, and you? Everything alright? Ben responded.

Bazine took him in from head to toe, “I’m hanging in there. Well, I finally jumped back into the dating scene. So….. Wish me luck.”

“Woah, by all means good luck. I get to vet this guy, though. He must receive my stamp of approval before things go too far.” Ben chuckled. He took a pregnant pause and then added, “Honestly Bazine, I am a little worried about Jude. It's probably all in my head, but I’m meeting with his teacher tomorrow and I’m a little scared for him.”

“You ARE probably in your head, but - hey, ya know what? I recently met a wonderful clinician who specializes in youth. I know how you always felt about bringing Jude to meetings, but our kids have to heal, too, you know? It may be nothing, but if tomorrow turns out to be something to be concerned about --- you at least have a strategy. Here’s her card!” Bazine offered Ben a business card followed by a warm nurturing hug before she trashed her styrofoam coffee cup and headed out the door. “Don’t be a stranger!” She shouted behind her as she went up the stairs.

Ben held the card up to the light; it read……. **_Rey Palpatine, PhD, MCWS, Family Therapist and Grief Counselor!_**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My first attempt - Please be gentle. But please leave me kudos and comments - would love to know how to improve!


	2. "Embracing Change"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben and Jude are taking steps and making strides to get better together. It's time to dive head-first into therapy. And who was that sexy woman sitting in the back of group?

_*Last night he didn’t dream of Mina. It was a nice respite from the reminder of his most painful mistake. He now totally understood the consequences of untreated mental illness in a devastatingly and costly way. Her all-too-frequent, common appearances in his subconscious proved it. His wife, his son’s mother even after her death still poured guilt and shame into his heart. Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I act sooner? Why wasn’t I more discerning --- Was I in such a hurry to marry, to love, to not be alone that I was reckless, selfish and so stupid?_

_Dammit!_ *

***

For the life of him Ben couldn't understand why he automatically grabbed the mail out of the basket in the kitchen this morning. As he sat organizing his desk for the day, he stared at the same three envelopes with abject horror. He’d already resigned himself to a course of action as far as the letter from Bedford Hills Correctional Facility --- there’s no way he was reading his mother’s letter. No Way! And no way he was going to make any decisions about the house right now.

He thought, _Maybe, just maybe I’ll open the Parole Board piece, but_.... He sat frozen- after a few seconds resolute.

His desk phone buzzed, and it was an internal call. “Ben, there’s an Armitage Hux on line 4.” _Go figure_ , he thought to himself.

“Okay, thanks”. He snapped to and calmly answered the phone. “Good Morning, Mr. Hux.”

There was a time when Ben dreaded conversations with his mother’s attorney, but now there was only a sort of numbness. He knew Hux worked tirelessly on his mom’s behalf and took the time to inform him of developments out of courtesy. The call didn’t surprise him given the notification from the Parole Board. But truthfully, Ben could have cared less. He never wanted any part of her case, her trial, her incarceration, and possible parole...... or her. Not anymore!

Hux droned on and on, and then ended his petition to Ben with the painful request to please contact her and come to the scheduled hearing next month. Ben took a moment and a deep breath, and then informed Hux he’d give it some serious thought. It was easy enough.

He hung up feeling much better than he anticipated..... he thought. But then very slowly and deliberately he reached for her letter and tore it to shreds. Suddenly, Ben found his head buried in his hands, elbows on his desk sobbing uncontrollably. _ **FUCK!**_

He dragged himself to the bathroom in order to get his act together and put his “game face” back on.

Ben knew he had fifteen minutes before the staff meeting. He already informed both Kenobi and Mitaka of his teacher’s conference that afternoon. After gathering up all the city permits, inspector reports and architectural designs for the Raddus Project, it occurred to him that he should give the therapist Bazine had suggested a call. He methodically dug in his breast pocket and fished out her card. It was better to be armed for the Connix meeting. Ben was anticipating outside help being the main topic of their discussion.

***

“Have a good afternoon, Mr. Solo.” Ben gave a warm nod to the security guard as he was leaving the building later that afternoon.

No sooner had he dashed down to the subway platform a train arrived. He hurriedly took a seat and worked again at that “game face” he always tried to keep in place when he was anticipating something unpleasant. Ben began going over the last ninety minutes in his head .... Replaying the conversation with the therapist’s office and his awkward staff meeting.

One: He was pleasantly surprised that Jude got in already for an intake appointment for the next day.

Two: After the exchange of HMO info, and medical history the office assistant placed him on hold. Only a few minutes, much to his surprise, the actual therapist took the call.

Her voice --- what was it about her voice? It was warm, comforting and nurturing. Her British accent was adorably refreshing. He felt immediately soothed by her. There was an electrical current running through the phone....... a connection. _Rey Palpatine --– Hmmmmm, this will be interesting._ Ben did not want to obsess, but he sat in the staff meeting totally distracted after speaking with her.

As he rounded the corner after exiting the train station, Jude’s school came into view and Ben felt his breath seize in his chest a little. He walked into the office first to gain permission to access the rest of the building and made his way down the hall.

He spotted Ms. Connix and Jude the second he entered the classroom. Jude ran to him as always and wrapped himself fully about his father’s long legs.

“Hey Dad!” Jude jumped in place excited for actually having his dad in his space for a change.

“Hey Kid. Ms. Connix and I are going to have a sit down, so...... er....”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Solo – I’ve given Jude two assignments, one of which he’s already completed. And the second, he can work on while we speak. It shouldn't take long at all." She spoke gently and deliberately.

“Jude is an absolute delight in class. He’s sharp and focused. He also participates regularly and adds incredibly thoughtful ideas. What I have been observing lately is moments when he becomes withdrawn, and I’ve recently seen him direct animosity toward his classmates." Ben tried not to raise an eyebrow but it was too late.

She continued. "It seems to occur more whenever they make references to their family and specifically their mothers." Ben grimaced.

"Most recently he displayed an exorbitant amount of hostility to one student whose writing exercise was dedicated to their mother.” She shifted her weight on the edge of her desk briefly and added, “Is there something going on at home that I should know...?”

Ben swallowed. “Well .... His mother died over seven years ago, and it’s been difficult.” Ben felt it necessary to lean against the windowsill, angling his long legs in front of him.

“He was still a baby, and truly has no recollection of her. I’ve made a point to speak openly with him about her, and encourage him to express his thoughts and feelings. He also has several mementos of his and hers like pictures, poems and artwork." He bit into his lip while Connix nodded in support.

"I, on the other hand, have attended grief support groups off and on for the last six years. And I just recently secured the services of a therapist for him.... I’m anxious for him to get started and I can assure you you’ll see a marked improvement soon”. Ben paused as he settled in and took a deep breath. “And I certainly hope we can count on your support.”

Then Kaydel Connix nodded and smiled, a smile which was softly coated with sympathy. They spoke further and she offered Ben some therapeutic art projects to take home for Jude. She even recommended a pre-teen book on grief that she felt confident Jude could tackle. They shook hands politely and agreed to have another meeting in two months.

Ben scooped up Jude and they shuffled out to head home. All and all it had been pretty painless – Better than he expected. Ben felt a sense of relief wash over him as they left the school.

***

On the way to the subway, Jude looked up at Ben, grinning from ear to ear.

“Hey Dad – I’m not in trouble, am I??” He blinked as he looked up at his father.

“No Kid, not at all. We are going to have a talk tonight, but it’s nothing serious. Actually, it’s about something new and exciting that’s bound to help us both” Proud of his approach, Ben beamed back at his son.

Before heading underground where he was sure to lose his cell signal, Ben remembered to text Bazine.

<Ben>Thanks, Bazine – it went well today. Appreciate you!

He and Jude scurried to the platform and they both grabbed a seat knee-to-knee in the car.

Back home at the apartment later that evening, the boys played, laughed, ate dinner, and decided that they would discuss the appointment tomorrow before tackling one of the newly assigned art projects from Ms. Connix. After Jude completed the project they started to lip sinc and dance around the apartment. Ben told Jude the “How I Met your Mom” story for the hundreth time, but for the first time in awhile.

Bazine returned his text as Ben was running Jude’s bath.

<Bazine>Glad to hear it! Meet me at the meeting at St. Christopher’s.

Immediately, Ben dialed Rose, desperately hoping she was available. Thankfully she was, and since she lived in their building, it only took her minutes to arrive.

***

St. Christopher’s was a more posh meeting place and the participants a little more upscale. The kind of people who had to have a supply of flavored creamers and gourmet cookies available. Ben walked in a little late, so he skipped the coffee altogether and quickly grabbed a seat.

“Hello - My name is Jyn, and my husband and I have only been coming for the last few weeks.” She stuttered a bit and stifled a sob. “We just buried our two year old daughter, Lyra. It was cancer.” A tear began to trickle slowly down her left cheek. “ And uh - Cassian and I are new to this, but we know we are going to need some of your numbers. So please......please, we’d appreciate any of your support and would love to talk more after the meeting.” She turned, smiled weakly to her husband and settled back into her seat next to him.

Touched by Jyn’s fresh pain Ben started to raise his hand to share about today’s events, but thought better of it. Instead he grabbed one of his business cards from his wallet and added his personal cell number to give them after the meeting.

All at once, his eyes landed on a very beautiful woman in the back row. There was a glow around her—like an aura. She had chestnut hair and hazel eyes, and was simply yet smartly dressed. She was gorgeous - wearing a navy blue silk shirt dress. She exuded a warmth and quiet confidence. _Who is she?_ Ben tried not to stare. He felt drawn to her. He couldn't remember the last time he experienced an attraction remotely like this before Mina.

When the last person sharing finally finished, Ben turned to find her again. His eyes traveled across the empty chair she had occupied. "Damn", he muttered to himself softly, raking his hand through his hair.

After Ben introduced himself, he offered Cassian his card and a hug. As Ben headed home, his phone binged with a text from Bazine.

<Bazine>Hey Ben – sorry i missed you both after suggesting the meeting.

<Ben> NP – wait, missed you both?

<Bazine>I asked Rey to meet me there, too!


	3. "Open to Try"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New doors begin to open. Ben and Jude need only to walk through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to add a Trigger Warning to this one chapter. There is a very detailed account of an anxiety attack Ben has in Rey's office. It is very brief but it is intense. To avoid skip over the (4) paragraphs starting with "You see, Mina wasn't well." and it ends "Realizing no one seemed to notice..."

_*Last night he didn’t dream of Mina. It was quite the relief. He dreamt of the beautiful woman who sat in the back of the meeting at St. Christopher’s. Last night Ben dreamt of Rey! He dreamt of the woman he was hoping held the key to saving his son….. Saving him from anger, bitterness and jealousy. The dream was so vivid. Bright, joyful and colorful…. Magical! In his dream, she never spoke. She simply came to him and held out her hand…… So simple the imagery, the symbolism, the freedom of it. Although he didn’t take her hand in the dream, he felt so totally connected to her. Ben felt that the invitation was to a safe place for both he and Jude. He woke lighter - He woke hopeful!*_

Sunlight streamed in his bedroom windows and bathed his face as Ben slowly rolled over in bed. His comforter and sheets were wrapped haphazardly around his large frame. He threw his muscular legs over the edge of his bed and stood stretching after he hiked up his boxers. Without the aid of an alarm, he realized it was Saturday….. The weekend and a brand new day!

As Ben and Jude walked to Rey Palpatine’s office, they played their Limited Edition Nike Game, where they would name each pair they’d see walking along the street and in the windows of storefronts. This morning uptown offered quite the challenge because they weren’t finding many, but Jude was winning --- He was up by four!

“Ah – there’s some Celtics Championships with the cloverleaf soles - 2008!” Jude spied and acknowledged, careful not to point.

“You’re too good for me today, Kid.” Ben shrugged, “I can’t even compete. I’m done.” Jude’s chest puffed a little, and Ben could only see himself in him.

“Jude, I’m kinda excited about today – I think it’ll be cool – how about you?” He added as they continued to walk briskly.

Grinning back up at his father, “Without a doubt”, he chirped using his new favorite saying.

And as they crossed 97th St., Jude reached for and clasped his hand in Ben’s, he realized how quickly his son was growing. He quietly wondered how much longer he would be able to enjoy that simple gesture.

***

The Office of Palpatine, Harris, Dameron & Associates was brightly lit and very spacious. It offered a large waiting room and what appeared to be an attached children’s area. The décor wasn’t overstated, with warm colors, earth tones giving a Southwestern Plains vibe, comfortable leather furniture, plants, and surprisingly original artwork. The children’s area was loaded with puzzles, books, and an assortment of toys. Jude tugged at Ben’s hand and gestured toward the space where a little blonde boy was already seated playing on the floor. Ben nodded his permission.

The office assistant called his name and Ben stood, then slowly strolled over to the window. The woman behind the window instructed him regarding the process; Dr. Palpatine wished to meet with Jude alone, then with him. Ben tried to remember to breathe. He suddenly caught a glimpse of HER reaching through the doorway to grab a file from a pocket holder on the wall of the inner office. It was merely a glimpse. His heart began to race. It WAS _her_ \--from the meeting! It was _her_ \--- from his dream! Today she was wearing a green cashmere sweater, with chinos and loafers, quite the departure from the navy shirt dress she had worn at the meeting. But it WAS _her_! Ben’s stomach pitched in nervousness. He was extremely nervous. He was, however, relieved by the relaxed style everyone in the office seemed to have, though, which made his black jeans and black tee feel like the better choice in outfits that he had struggled with earlier in the morning.

Ben turned from the window and headed back over to Jude – he leaned against the archway wall and tried to be unobtrusive as he watched his son interact. Ben smiled as he overheard Jude in an exchange with the little blonde boy.

“C’mon, these are older models – I’ve got the newer ones from the sequels. I even have the Command Shuttle and the TIE Silencer! Much, much cooler!" Jude boasted. The grin grew on Ben’s face as he listened.

The office assistant finally called Jude’s name and Ben walked him to the doorway and stooped down to his eye-level before hugging and encouraging Jude to be honest and be himself.

Jude’s intake interview took about an hour. Ben assured himself that Jude was undoubtedly capable of opening up and allowing himself to be vulnerable. He, on the other hand would struggle. Ben attempted to regulate his breathing, going over all the anticipated scenarios in his mind which only served to heighten his anxiety. There was no point in reaching for his “game face”. It would be useless today, he already knew.

“Mr. Solo, we’re ready for you now. And not to worry -- We’ll keep Jude occupied while you are with the doctor.” Ben nodded as the assistant called to him from behind the window.

As Ben walked through the doctor's office door, he was immediately greeted with the most radiant smile he’d ever seen. The doctor's eyes sparkled with sincerity and any apprehensions he may have had began to slowly dissolve.

“By all means, please have a seat.” she looked up over her glasses, and Ben wanted to simply melt into his chair. He felt immediately drawn to her. He found himself experiencing the electrical current he had experienced while talking with her on the phone, only now it was on a higher level frequency than before. He felt so connected to her for some reason.

“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Solo”, she added. “And I must say that Jude is a joy!” _She was so beautiful it was difficult to look at her_ , he thought.

“The pleasure’s all mine, doctor- - yes, thank you, I’m very proud of him. I’m hopeful this will be good for us both.” Ben's response rolled off his tongue effortlessly. He was shocked he wasn't a stammering idiot in her presence - but he felt so at ease. It was refreshing.

Rey tilted her head slightly and her smile deepened to reveal dimples, “And you needn’t be so formal, you can call me Rey. We’re compiling an assessment of Jude – in order to put together a treatment plan especially tailored for him. My colleague, Finn sat in on our intake. Now, I do have several questions for you if that's okay?” She continued all business in her tone. Ben nodded and became more intrigued with every word.

“Has Jude been withdrawn or despondent?”

Ben took a moment to think before answering. "He has his moments, and that has been a concern. But lately it’s been less frequent."

“Does he display any extreme behaviors, anger, aggression, or ever violence?” Rey asked next, watching Ben intently.

Ben tried not to look into her eyes because he thought if he did, he could not think properly about his answer. "No, no not that I’ve ever witnessed, but yesterday his teacher made mention of some anger directed towards other classmates. I was hearing it for the first time." Ben re-crossed his legs.

“Any lying or any stealing?”

Ben shook his head. "None."

“Sleeping habits? Insomnia? Sleepwalkng? Bed-wetting?”

Once more, Ben shook his head answering. "No."

“Eating habits? Anything unusual?”

Ben tried not to fidget as he thought about Jude and his daily routine. "No, nothing out of the ordinary."

Rey finished taking notes and dropped her pen on the desk gingerly, “Hmmm….. Ok, well so far I’m certain that I’d like Jude to come in once a week – every other week I’d like you to sit in. I want to try Careful Observation, Journaling, Art Therapy, and even some take-home assignments from time to time, feeling worksheets, perhaps making a memory book, collages and poems.”

Rey stiffened a bit and leaned into her desk. “I do have to ask ----what were the circumstances of his mother’s death? And is Jude aware?”

Ben's stomach knotted painfully, he bit his bottom lip and breathed in deeply. His world began to spin – the room began to close in around him.

Somehow he kept it together, he folded his hands in his lap, his eyes following them in order to leave hers. “Jude doesn’t know everything. He knows she was murdered. I wanted to wait till he was much older, but…….but,” He swallowed hard in an attempt to compose himself and strengthen his resolve before placing his hands flat and firmly upon her desk.

Ben continued, his voice barely a whisper, “My mother killed her. She killed Mina--- She shot her in “our” old apartment.” His body shuddered from the weight of it all. And Rey gently reached out across the desk and barely touched his fingertips with her own. With such a simple gesture, the current—the connection he felt became far more tangible—more real. She gasped almost inaudible at the feeling.

“You see, Mina wasn’t well. She was mentally ill; she suffered terribly with delusions regarding health, purity, cleanliness and diet. She obsessed over everything. She wasn’t eating, and barely ate before the pregnancy. She didn’t feed Jude. She **_wouldn’t_ **feed Jude. She refused him traditional medical attention, and even seeing pediatricians." He shuddered again at the thought but went on.

"He wasn’t growing and was in grave danger of malnutrition. All my attempts were undermined. Mina was relentless. Every time we tried to limit her access to him, it was thwarted. My Mom believed she was protecting us – Jude and I. Um, I – I guess Mom truly believed she was protecting us.” His eyes began to burn and his mouth went dry. Ben stifled a sob and slowly rose to his feet. “I’m sorry, but could you please excuse me?” He then quickly walked out the office door.

Ben got out into the hallway as fast as possible and pressed his back flat to the wall. His heart was pounding and practically leaping out of his chest---- his own breath choking him. The world was spinning even faster now, and he could feel he was spiraling. He shut his eyes tightly, forcing the tears from the creases… forcing them to stream down his nose and cheeks.

**_All at once he was transported back in time….He found himself running to the police precinct, legs stomping the pavement, desperate to get to his son! Panicked and Powerless --It’s the night his mother shot and killed Mina again! The pain is relentless - both physical and emotional_**. All at once he finds himself with his palms flat against the doctor’s office wall, apparently he had braced himself before he even realized he was banging the back of his head against it.

Realizing no one seemed to notice, he attempted to gather himself and then, entered the waiting area, took Jude gently by the hand and hurried out the office and toward the elevator.

***

By the time they reached the apartment, Jude was really excited to take on his 'Dr. Rey assignment', which was to write his Mother a letter. He handed the packet he had been given to Ben, before grabbing a pencil from the kitchen and scurrying to the living room, where he plopped in front of the coffee table - eager to start writing.

Ben still felt a little numb from his panic attack. Whenever he felt broken, though, Jude had a way of soothing him. As he watched his son, Ben’s heart swelled. His thoughts turned back to his system overload earlier, and he made up his mind to call Dr. Pal--- “Rey” to apologize. She was very helpful and supportive, and he had been such an asshole - such a coward! He glanced through the materials in Jude’s packet from the office, and noticed an envelope with his name on it. _Mr. Ben Solo – I would like you to write a letter as well. (It’s not mandatory - just a suggestion.)_

“Hey Dad – Can we order pizza?” Jude's voice drifted to him from the living room.

“Sure thing, Kid!” Ben snapped back into the moment, “Veggie with chicken, right?”

“Without a doubt!” Jude laughed back as Ben fished in his pockets for his phone.

It was a lazy evening. After pizza, video games, and a movie, and after lots of begging and pleading, Jude held fast to not sharing his letter to his mother just yet. He convinced his dad he needed to keep working on it until it was perfect. - _Wonder where he got that from?_ Ben thought to himself.

“So, what did you think about Dr. Rey?" Ben subtly asked his son.

“She seemed cool – and that guy, Finn, was too. He was funny." Jude scrunched up his nose a little before adding, "She was really pretty, though. Hot .... even!" He laughed at the term he had probably heard older kids using.

Ben was a tad shocked, but minimized his response, “Yeah, I guess she was."

Ben called Rose to come sit after bath and bedtime. He was determined to go to another meeting tonight. No sooner than Rose arrived, Ben grabbed his phone, keys and his denim jacket and bounded out the door.

***

On his way to the meeting Ben scrolled through his phone. Apparently, Bazine had texted him while he was tucking Jude into bed.

<Bazine>Hey Ben! What gives? Thought I’d hear from ya by now!

<Ben>Things went well – we can talk tomorrow

<Bazine>How about lunch? Dex’s at 12p?

Just when he responded with the thumbs-up, his cell rang; Mr. Canady’s number appearing on screen.

“Evening, Mr. Canady.” Ben tucked his phone to his ear to answer.

“Hey Ben, I am coming into the city tomorrow, and was hoping you might have a little time for us to finally talk.” Moden Canady’s gruff and raspy voice was louder than usual over the city traffic. “I’ll be on the Upper Eastside early, but can get to you whenever you say is convenient.” Ben lowered his head, sucked air in hard through his teeth, and agreed to meet him at 1:30 in the afternoon.

***

Although Ben’s legs and feet felt heavy with the weight of the day, he trudged to the meeting like a fish spawning. He knew there was growth to be had by pushing past his feelings.

Jyn and Cassian were there again. Ben hugged them both, grateful to see them once more. He dropped his jacket on the back of his chair and folded himself into it up front, next to them.

As soon as the meeting got underway, Ben decided to share. He didn’t remember making the decision – His hand mysteriously was raised without his permission all of a sudden. “My name is Ben." He paused as he was met by a chorus of voices, saying "Hi Ben."

"Today was pretty intense for me. My son and I met with a therapist for the first time, and he seemed to handle it a helluva lot better than I did this afternoon.” He awkwardly chuckled to himself, and ran his hand through his hair before he continued. “Yeah, I kinda had a melt-down. I just walked out. Tsk, I know, right?" He shifted his weight from one leg to the other.

"But I’ve been coming here now for almost six years. I shared a lot early on --- not so much lately." He shrugged a little. "Those of you who know me, know my wife was killed. And I … I guess sometimes when I hear others share, I selfishly feel different, unique, and apart. And I suppose it’s crazy, but the truth is many of you lost a parent, a spouse, a child, or a lover to illness, accident, suicide and overdose. And those who were killed or suffered violently were often from random acts. The reason I feel so different is --- there is still this stigma attached for me." He reached up to pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to quell the emotion rising inside him.

"The stigma....?? My own mother killed my wife! And there’s so much hurt and anger still there for me. I’m trying to stay hopeful. Because I want…. I want to be free of this pain. For my sake and for my son’s---- so I appreciate you guys and keep sending positive vibes up for both of us. Thanks.”

A chorus of voices rang out through the room. "Thanks for sharing."

Ben, all at once - felt unburdened.

When he turned to grab up his denim jacket which fell to the floor while he was sharing, he spotted _her_ two rows behind him. Rey was in the meeting again. How long had she been there? …the whole entire time? Did she hear him speak? He quickly turned back to the front, trying to decide how he should handle the situation.

When the meeting ended, Ben wasn’t certain if he was afraid or relieved to see that Rey stayed as well. He talked to other members who remained briefly, all of whom offered their support and thanked him for his candor and courage. He felt her eyes on him, and it was intoxicating. Out of his peripheral vision – he saw her approaching him, and his heart started to beat faster in his chest. He had to force himself to remember to stay calm.

“Hello, Ben.” She extended her hand to him; it was the same hand that touched him only hours ago. The same hand that provided the most calm he'd felt in years.

He offered his hand in return. “Hey Rey.”

They stood there motionless for a moment or two and then - most unexpectedly, she rose up onto her toes and hugged him tightly. His vision blurred as that same almost electrical current ran from the top of his head to the soles of his feet!

“Thank you so much for your honesty.” she said gently – not letting go. Ben’s whole chest warmed, his heart pounded even faster than it had been.

Rey’s hands slipped down to his waist, and she pulled back slightly to gaze up at him, “I was concerned today after your hasty retreat.” She finally pulled away, and Ben had to bite back a sigh of disappointment.

“I owe you an apology for leaving so abruptly. That was just rude, and so not me at all.” Ben responded, trying to appear calm and unaffected by their embrace.

“I understand – and what you let go in my office had to be difficult, Ben. Please don’t minimize it.” She blinked up at him slowly before remarking, “I admire your courage.” Ben shrugged, color running onto his cheeks.

“Let’s take a walk – I'm getting the feeling they're going to put us out of here any minute now.” Rey finished with a grin. “That is unless you have plans or are in a hurry. Game…?”

“Sure, let’s.” Ben followed her to the door and knew immediately, that this would be a memorable night. The air hit his face like it was for the first time. “It certainly is a nice night.” he offered.

They headed east for less than two blocks before Rey finally asked, “How did Jude like his first session?”

“He was very excited, and most eager to start his letter the second we got in the house, if that’s any indication.” Ben added, “Oh--and you’re kinda hot, and Finn is really funny!”

Rey threw her head back effortlessly and laughed, and Ben thought the sound was as bright as her smile.

“I’m flattered, I must say. Jude’s so adorable“!

Ben watched her completely riveted. “You know this is most surprising.” He admitted, “I never thought -- never imagined that we would be walking around the Upper Eastside talking together after a meeting. Especially given the fact we've only just met, but it feels perfectly natural and I’m very comfortable with you, Rey.” Ben mused before he continued, “Don’t know what got into me earlier.”

“Listening to you share in the meeting and in my office, I heard just how much we have in common. It’s uncanny”.

Rey slid her hand into Ben’s before suggesting, “Let’s grab a seat”. She guided him to a low brick wall abutting a parking lot, and hopped up onto it effortlessly. “And I think you **DO** know, Ben – you shared it in the meeting. You still have a lot of pain there. Especially addressing the realization that you have two people to grieve. It’s not just about Mina. It’s about your mother as well”. She brought his hand into her lap the moment he hopped up on the wall next to her, caressing it gently.

“You’re right --- I haven’t spoken to her since, I haven’t visited her in jail. Nor have I written to her. I just can’t. Lately, so many things have been coming to a head. I have to do something with our house upstate, which, again, I haven’t been in in almost eight years. Mom’s first parole hearing is next month.... It just feels like too much.” He shared honestly and openly encouraged by the warm sensation of his hand in hers.

“Oh, Ben, it is so natural to feel overwhelmed. What you’re dealing with **IS** overwhelming!” Rey reflected for a moment before asking, “And … what about your father? Is he still alive?”

“My dad died when I was away at college. That was such a rough time, too. That’s actually when my mom and I started to grow further apart. But that’s another story for another time.” His voice trailed off, and he lowered his eyes to the pavement.

Rey listened intently and exuded such warmth. “The changes you’ll have to face have already begun, Ben. You’re well on your way. You’ve been going to meetings long enough to know you must be willing to stay open, honest and vulnerable”. Rey slowly reached out, placing both hands upon his cheeks tenderly, it was almost intimate. Rey looked him directly in the eyes, “That’s half the battle. Commit, just commit!”

_I'm so done for_ , Ben thought as he brought one hand up to meet hers. He thought about how he’d convinced himself for years that he was unworthy of love. He thought about how responsible he felt for Mina’s death, and that he should’ve done more to prevent Jude’s neglect. He revelled in the moment even if the love was unrequited and unconditional.

He spoke softly and slowly. “Well, I’m open to try.” Ben thought back to his dream of Rey, and he could feel heat rise to his cheeks again.

“You know -- It just occurred to me, you’re my son’s new therapist, and right now I’m not sure if we’re having a session or a date”. There was something shy and sheepish about him.

“Feels like it’s a little bit of both," she winked, drawing a laugh from them both. Laughing with her was a nice, warm comfortable feeling.... Laughing with her. Ben felt so relaxed with Rey, which was strange and unusual for him. He had to actually look down at his legs dangling to even notice they were sitting thigh to thigh on that parking lot brick wall.

Ben and Rey walked aimlessly through the New York City streets for hours, and continued to talk. When they finally parted ways, Rey left Ben with her final words of wisdom, "Forgiveness is the key”.


	4. "Healing Begins"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is confused and reels with his feelings for Rey. He's crushed under the weight from all the life-altering decisions he must make for himself and Jude. Rey cannot deny her attraction but wants to maintain her integrity and professionalism. "Pain shared is pain lessened".

Rey looked out over her terrace barefoot, clad in only her favorite white terry robe and clutching her first cup of coffee close to her chest. She was feeling wistful and yet, a tad worried. Last night was …..was… it was, how could she categorize it? Wonderfully engaging! Ben Solo was by far the most intriguing man she’d ever met. She had felt this intense connection with him. He was so handsome - and so, so sexy! Now, that clearly explained to her how he managed to invade her dreams last night. Now here she was wistfully regarding the abject curiosity and titillation and yet, worried about the unethical behavior of lusting over her new client’s father.

As she slid the shower door shut and allowed the hot water to cascade all over her body, she revisited her dream. _**Somewhere tropical, white sand, palms, he was in all white linen, his massive frame, strong arms engulfed her from behind, safe secure protected, his touch gentle but assertive, the feeling of his strong chest and taut abdomen against her back, and his deep melodic whispers were in her ear. She turned into him and gazed up at his face – his sculpted nose, chiseled brow ridge, all peppered with freckles and beauty marks, plump luscious lips, lustrous black hair, and steely deep set eyes the color of cognac. She broke away from him, turned and took two or three paces back, her feet heavy on the sand; and he merely extended his hand to her. The dream ended.** _No wonder her pillows, sheets, duvet, and even her lace teddy were strewn all about her bedroom floor when she woke.

“Get a grip, Rey!” she said to herself before she almost grabbed the shower head and reached for the shower gel instead.

***

Ben nursed his espresso while he watched Jude rush through his cereal and then pack his backpack for his play date with Trevor, his friend down the hall. He was relieved - because the angry look Rose shot him when he walked in at nearly midnight was well-deserved, and he knew asking her to sit again would be challenging, to say the least. He heard a knock at the door and Jude ran for it after hugging him good-bye. Ben let his mind drift afterwards.

Last night had been both stimulating and eye-opening. Rey Palpatine was a most fascinating woman. She was very comfortable to talk to, easy to be with and so familiar--- almost too familiar. But he just couldn’t deny that connection. She seemed to have quite an adventurous spirit, and was beautiful, too….. That smile, those hazel eyes, adorable freckles, sexy body, those dimples, and a cute little nose that crinkled when she laughed. It was no wonder that, once again, Rey made a major appearance in his dreams.

Ben stepped into the shower – and no sooner than he began to lather up, he replayed the dream in his mind. _**This time when she offered him her hand he took it. He then pulled her into a passionate embrace. He lifted her off her feet and brought her closer still. They stared deeply into each others’ eyes, she wrapped her tanned, toned legs around his waist tightly while gently folding her arms about his neck and shoulders. The warmth and comfort emanating from her body was so soothing. She broke their gaze and softly kissed his forehead, trailed down to add more kisses to his eyelids individually, she nestled his nose with hers. Her lips parted ever so slowly to meet his. She lightly entered his mouth like a welcomed visitor – their tongues danced. The Kiss -- It was intoxicating! And it felt so real! Then the dream ended.**_ No wonder he woke to his boxers sticking to him.

“Get a grip, Ben.” he muttered as he stared down at his erection, before he switched off the hot water to full-on cold.

***

Ben rushed into Dex’s later that afternoon, and was flooded with tons of childhood memories. Han used to bring him there as a child; his Dad and Dex were very good friends. The place had really changed – the old greasy spoon diner had given way to a trendy hipster hang-out now. The bistro boasted too small tables packed together tightly, and quite the departure from the original menu. He spotted Bazine in the back the moment he entered. Maneuvering through the crowd took all the agility he could muster – it was times like these he hated being 6’3”.

“Hey Bazine!” He hurriedly plopped in his seat, “So sorry I’m late.”

“Wassup, Ben?” she grinned tossing him his menu. “You look awfully cheerful. I guess the therapy went well….”

“Yeah, Jude seems to be off to a great start.”

The server briefly interrupted their conversation, and Ben ordered a Salmon Caesar and a Pellegrino.

“Nothing from the bar….?” Bazine inquired, cocking her head to the side.

“Naw, I'm meeting with Canady about the house when I leave you. Plus - Hey, why didn’t you tell me about Dr. Palpatine?” Ben asked, taking an abrupt turn.

“Tell you what?” Bazine slipped in, feigning innocence.

“Uh - Let's see ... That she’s brilliant, witty, gorgeous, totally captivating …” Ben nodded. “I could go on.”

Bazine let out an authentic Bazine laugh before speaking again. “I had to let ya find that out for yourself, Ben. I’m no Cupid, but when I heard her share in a meeting a few weeks ago, I knew there would be an attraction. And she’s quite the go-getter, built that practice from the ground up. I like her a lot, and I knew you would, too.” She grinned wildly wanting to be encouraging.

“I can’t tell if it’s just her nature to be so friendly or what. One minute I thought she had me on the couch, and then the next I wasn’t sure if she was flirting …it's just so confusing.” Ben shook his head.

The server returned with Bazine’s flatbread and her Mojito; and she let Ben know his order was coming out soon. Ben nodded to her, waiting until she walked away before resuming his conversation with Bazine.

Ben thought for moment. “And I’m not entirely sure I’m ready for something, even if she is interested. Plus, there’s Jude to think about.”

Bazine asked, “You think there’ll be some conflict of interest or something?”

“Possibly... And she may not even be interested in me anyway.” He sighed, shaking his head before dropping it to look at his lap, “I don’t even know what the hell I was thinking.”

“What? That you could be with someone wonderful like Rey? You’re a great guy, Ben, and you deserve to be happy!” Bazine answered him disbelievingly.

“I’m a fucking mess, and I don’t know what I deserve, but it doesn’t remotely resemble happiness. And you know it, Bazine!” Ben exclaimed.

Ben’s salad came and he thanked the server before they ate in silence.

Four or five minutes passed before Bazine broke it and said, “Ben, you remember how old Aric and Suli were when Ducain died. I ask myself sometimes if they never see me in a healthy relationship how will they know what one actually looks like?”

Ben could only nod as he considered her words carefully. Bazine continued. “Keep an open-mind, Ben. You cheat yourself by limiting your possibilities.”

Her words took hold and he gave them much thought. And after their usual fighting over the check, Ben hugged her when they parted ways.

He was halfway home when he realized, “I never told Bazine that I dreamt about HER.”

***

When he arrived back at his building, Mr. Canady was seated in the lobby speaking with their doorman. Ben greeted him warmly and they shook hands before they took the elevator up to the apartment.

Ben had to make some hard decisions regarding the care and upkeep of his parent’s home. There was no putting it off any longer - he couldn’t continue to pay taxes and utilities on an empty house that had maintenance and upkeep costs which were even more. Ben just couldn’t bear to think about it or even go up there. He loved living in the city, and he had absolutely no desire to move back home.

Canady rattled off, “That house is a gold mine, son. A few more minor repairs, and we can manage it for you as a rental property since you don’t plan to come back. And I’d like to clear out all your mothers’ belongings, if that’s alright with you? We can even put them in storage for you. That way you don’t have to. Oh, and I'd like to tear down the kennels in the back, and we’ll also have to address your old car that’s just been sitting there all this time”.

He pushed a thick manila envelope across the coffee table to Ben. “I just need your okay. I’d like you to come up next week and get whatever it is you’d like to keep.”

Ben could only silently nod in agreement.

***

By the time Jude returned from his play date, Ben already had dinner made, and planned for them to finish tackling their letters. Jude was excited when he heard the plans.

“You and Trevor have fun?” Ben asked as he put the finishing touches on their meal.

“Yeah, but he beat me without mercy all afternoon … I mean all afternoon!”

Jude continued, “Wanna know what’s weird, though? His sister, Sabine, is crushing on you so hard, Dad. She kept bugging us; asking me all these questions about you. She doesn't even play video games. Yeccchhh! Girls are strange.” He mock shivered.

“Indeed they are, Kid, indeed they are.” Ben shook his head and smirked before he put out the turkey burgers and tossed salad he'd made.

“She said you dress really cool for an older guy and that your hair is delicious. Delicious? O-M-G!” Jude giggled as he spoke.

Ben laughed, “I’ll take all those compliments!” Leaning over the island, Ben looked at his son before saying, “Hey, Jude! I’m not Rose, so you better get in here and fix your burger yourself.”

“Okay, okay, Dad. Can we sit out here in the living room to eat since we’re going to finish our letters tonight?”

“Sure – great idea, that’ll be perfect! Get extra napkins then!” Ben agreed, and watched as Jude came into the kitchen to fix his burger the way he liked it.

They ate dinner and then quietly wrote and re-wrote their letters. When they were all finished, they both agreed to share them with each other right before Jude’s next therapy session. Ben remembered Bazine’s comments earlier and realized that a lifetime of healthy relationships for Jude is a wish he had.

Shortly after bedtime, Ben’s cell vibrated on his night table -----and a smile came to his lips when he saw the name on the phone screen. Giving himself a mental reminder to breathe, he answered the phone. It’s Rey!

“Hello!” He dove across his bed face first…..his feet dangling off the side of the bed as he answered.

“Hey Ben, it’s Rey.”

“Hi, there! How are you this evening?” Ben rolled his eyes at his less than smooth opening.

“I’m just dandy – have a quick question for you. Was wondering if you’re not busy tomorrow evening, would you care to join me for dinner?”

“Sure, sure, sounds great!” Ben took in a deep breath, keeping himself collected - even though his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest.

“Awesome, I’ll text you the when and where. See you then. Nite.” She hung up.

“Ben lay there frozen in place before remembering to speak again, even though she had disconnected the call. "Good Night."

***

All morning Ben’s mind had been utterly, thoroughly and totally consumed with his dinner date later with Rey. Work presented the perfect opportunity to calm himself – in his office he could create his own distractions. Being back at work was a welcome change for once, and Ben looked up as Mitaka stopped in his office first thing.

“Here are the specs for the new Coruscant Project. It’s gonna be massive! I think Kenobi wants the two of us to be the leads on this one.” He parked the file folder on the corner of Ben’s desk.

“Sounds good – I’m game” Ben began eagerly leafing through the documents, thankful for another distraction.

“We’ve come a long way, buddy … ever since Snoke Systems, Inc., anyway.” Mitaka said.

“That’s for sure.” Ben mused.

“How was your weekend? How did that teacher thing go? Well, I hope?”

“Actually, it was pretty eventful. The meeting went better than expected, and Jude and I --- I mean Jude started therapy.” Ben offered, as he leaned back fully in his chair.

“Oh, speaking of ---- I found something I’ve been meaning to give to you by the way. I’ll try and remember to bring it in before the weeks out. Peace.” Mitaka pulled himself up out of his chair before offering two fingers up in a peace gesture and headed out the door, leaving Ben to shake his head and smirk at his friend.

***

Watching the clock all afternoon, Ben slipped into his office restroom, and took inventory. An extra shirt and tie combo may have been over the top, but he wanted to be prepared for anything. The black twill suit he brought matched perfectly with his ice blue button down and hand painted silk tie. His mirror offered a bit of an affirmation.

After he emerged from the restroom feeling more confident, Ben returned to his desk, and counted the seconds anxious to punch out for the day. His phone at his desk rang, and Ben groaned as he saw it was another call from Hux.

“Mr. Hux, how are you?” he answered the phone wryly.

“Fine, Mr. Solo. I wanted to check back with you regarding the parole hearing.” Hux pressed on, “Your mother conveyed to me that she still hadn’t heard from you. You intimated to me you’d give it serious consideration. I hope you understand that my primary concern overall is my client’s well-being and state of mind. I would like to offer her some assurance.”

“Understood”, Ben answered rather coldly. “I’ll have an answer for you by this week's end.”

***

Nervous was not the word to describe Ben’s current condition. He wondered why people always described it as butterflies, when it felt more like feral cats running around in his stomach. He habitually ran his hand through his hair, and double checked his text from her. _It is 6:25. Good, I'm five minutes early. Here it is……Fulcrum’s!_ Ben thought to himself as he attempted to ready himself for their dinner.

As he entered the relatively new establishment, he took in the atmosphere, the décor and was pleasantly surprised. It had a classic look, with exposed brick, low light sconces and simple, but tasteful, table settings. It was so warm and welcoming, and he immediately saw why she’d be drawn to this place. Fairy lights donned the ceiling, he noticed, and they too reminded him of HER. Ben spoke briefly with the friendly hostess, and she quickly seated him. The restaurant was completely empty, except for him.

Ben looked over the menu as he waited for Rey, beating himself up for not “Googling” the place beforehand. When Rey appeared with the hostess moments later; wearing a beautiful tan and cream colored abstract print sheath dress which looked breathtaking on her. Ben stood, leaning in to offer her a hug before pulling out her chair. He felt the electrical connection between them once more as they embraced.

“Hi, I’m so glad you agreed to meet.” Rey spouted cheerfully.

“Hello!” He smiled as he greeted her, instantly at ease. “I couldn’t imagine saying no! Truth is: I’ve been looking forward to it all day.” He added, "You look Beautiful!"

“Why, thank you. You look awfully dashing yourself. I hope you like it here; two friends of mine own it. Hera and Kanan really are awesome people. Ever since they’ve opened, I’ve been heavily supporting them. And the food is divine!” Rey winked at him, and his heart tripped in his chest.

“I trust you.” His eyes met hers, and the moment was etched in his heart forever.

The server came to their table, and Ben asked Rey, “What will you be having?”

“Steak for me --- I’ll have the Rib-eye, medium rare, please." Rey licked her lips, and Ben tried not to stare.

“Wow, wouldn’t have guessed that. Uh - I’ll have the shrimp and scallop pasta. And … um, how about some wine?” Ben asked.

“That’ll be great!” She grinned back at him.

Turning to the server he requested, “We'll have a bottle of Bella Glos Pinot Noir Los Alturas – that makes a good pairing, right?”

“Very good, sir.” The server turned on his heels to place their order with the kitchen.

“Mmmmm!” Rey positively beamed, and Ben smiled as he noticed her adorable dimples again. With the addition of the captivating woman seated across from him, Ben continued to take in the feel and vibe of the place again. They were still the only guests in the dining room, but now for the first time he found himself enjoying the music, which was an ambient, but nice alternative contemporary mix.

Suddenly Rey broke the moment, “I’ve asked you here this evening because I have a confession.” She placed her hands firmly upon the table. “When we first met in my office, I felt compelled to tell you. And then hearing you at the meeting, it became more apparent that I should share with you, Ben, something we have quite in common. As a clinician, I must listen. But for my own sanity, I’ve learned the power of shared experiences. So, you see, it’s important for you to know what it is we share.”

Their wine was brought to the table and served. Both of them fell silent until the server retreated once more.

Rey continued, “I was not much older than Jude is now when I was told of my parent's death, and I was bloody devastated, destroyed. I loved my mother and father deeply. My parents were my whole world! And it wasn’t until a few years later that I discovered they were not only murdered, but by my grandfather.” Ben’s mind reeled. He sipped his wine, trying to process the revelation.

Their dinner arrived, and it looked and smelled delicious, but Ben was transfixed and very aware they were still alone in the room.

Rey went on to say, “You must understand that my grandfather was a very powerful man. He rose to prominence after very shady and scandalous beginnings with the Krays, the London Mob on the East End during the 1960’s. Perhaps you’re familiar?” Ben nodded intently.

“He later took on legitimate pursuits – amassing a fortune and a reputation of ruthlessness. In the end he went insane – diagnosed schizophrenic; it became common knowledge that Sheev Palpatine suffered terribly with delusions and went utterly mad.”

She placed her napkin in her lap, and began to attack her steak with fervor, “My father, his son, chose a simpler path, and my grandfather resented it. He became more paranoid over time and disinherited him. Fixated on me, he grew more resentful of my parents. He wanted me as his ward, to raise me to become what he wanted, and inherit his wealth. They would never allow that to happen. That night, he sabotaged their car, had someone cut their brake line, and they were killed instantly in the resulting crash.” Rey now stifled tears for the first time. “I blamed myself for a long time, I was so miserable, I couldn’t wait to leave London, and it took me a long time to heal and forgive.”

“Rey ……” Ben interrupted to console her, stopping when Rey raised a hand to signal him not to.

“The one positive outcome for me was that I decided to make my path the study of psychiatry. I really wanted to help others survive what I went through.” She lowered her eyes and finally the tears began to fall. Immediately Ben stood coming over to her side of the table and leaned down to bring her into his arms to comfort her.

“Shh-shhhh, Rey,” he whispered, feeling their connection to his very core. He understood. She understood, as well.

“I’m so sorry, Rey!” She composed herself again, breaking the embrace and pointing him back to his seat. Ben complied, and made his way back to his chair.

There was a heavy silence …. It went on for minutes while they each began to eat again.

“I, too, have a confession, Rey. You told me forgiveness was the key the other night. I have to admit - it sounded hard at first. But when I was writing the letter, I saw I can easily forgive Mina because she wasn’t responsible for what happened to her or Jude. I blame myself. I should’ve recognized it sooner, and I may have prevented it." He paused, mindlessly pushing his pasta around his plate with his fork.

"It was hardest for me to forgive my Mom, though. She actually came into my room in the dead of night, stole my keys, grabbed my Dad’s old handgun from the den, drove into the city, let herself into our apartment, and actually pulled the trigger." He unconsciously tensed up, and balled his left hand into a fist.

"Her desperate act of murder was unforgivable in my eyes. But now I know, not only were you right, but I can do it, and for the first time I’m willing. Willing to forgive her. I could’ve done more to show Mom we had other options.” Ben straightened in his seat, “You were right. And thank you.”

Rey looked up in disbelief from her plate, chewing for a moment before responding. “Of course I was right. But you missed the point entirely.” She swallowed her bite before continuing. “I blame myself, I could’ve done more, I might have prevented it, and I should have recognized it sooner?? Listen to yourself. It’s you, Ben! I meant you! You need to forgive yourself, Ben!”

Ben was stunned; he barely heard her next words --- “I’ll help you.” Rey simply said. She bolstered his courage with just those three little words.

Ben pondered all that Rey had just said. It not only sunk in, but moved inside him. He felt confident that with her help, he could do anything.

“Can we address the proverbial elephant in the room?" Ben said, not waiting for her response. ”I am very attracted to you, Rey. I find you to be the most fascinating woman I’ve ever met. You’re brilliant, beautiful and compassionate." Ben leaned into the table further, searching her eyes. "I’m so drawn to you. And, I feel safe with you, and I desperately want to know you better. Damn, I think about you endlessly. I realize we've only just met, but I feel this intense connection, and I was secretly hoping that you felt it, too.” He paused not quite sure how to even continue.

Rey finished her last bite before gazing deeply into his eyes. ”Ben, you know I felt it, too. You are by far the most intriguing and engaging man ever. You’re warm, insightful, sensitive, a dedicated father, handsome and sexy as hell!” Ben blushed. “I’d be lying if I didn’t say I felt this connection the moment we met. But I had to be cautious and very careful….. professionally speaking. You understand?”

Ben nodded earnestly. “I realize that. It is a relief knowing, though – because I would truly love to spend more time with you.” Ben admitted.

“Just understand, I cannot treat Jude if we pursue this, but ------but I am certain that my colleague, Finn, can.”

Ben smiled even wider, and seeing it warmed Rey totally. She licked and bit her lower lip gently, and the moment became electric.

A Radiohead song, “Codex” began to play. They stared at each as if in a trance, Ben stood and slowly offered Rey his hand. They both scanned the room to ensure they were still the only patrons before he brought her to him effortlessly and they began to dance in the aisle. His arms went about her waist, and her one hand pressed to his chest, and the other atop his shoulder. They slowly moved together in sync, totally oblivious to everything but each other. Their shared trauma melted away, replaced with their shared willingness to heal. Ben closed his eyes reveling in the sensation of her nearness, her warmth.

Ben opened his eyes and looked down at Rey just as she looked up at him. Simultaneously, they each said:

“I dreamt of you!”


	5. "New Possibilities"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The secrets that used to grow in the dark now die in the light of exposure. In order to move forward, demons and ghosts must be exorcised. Together they attempt to slay their emotional dragons. Ben falls hard - Rey falls hard, can they live happily ever after?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first saw the film "Hungry Hearts" and found it to be dark and most disturbing. After having watched it several times since, I have come to appreciate the writing, direction and clearly the performances. The last viewing, I walked away with something I didn't experience the first time. That was a desire to know what would become of a man thrust into single parenthood, the loss of his wife, and essentially in a sense, loss of his mother. 
> 
> What motivated me to attempt this fanfic was I could envision love and identification healing the wounds. My sincere wish is that both people who've seen the film and people who have not can enjoy it. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who read, commented and left kudos. Appreciate you.  
> #BenSoloLives #BenSoloLoves

<Ben> I had a great time last night!

<Rey> Me, too!

<Ben> You were so right - that place was perfect! Think I’m gonna start taking new clients there

<Rey> Great, they’ll love that! Aside from last night - they’ve really been pretty busy

<Ben>That was one helluva doggy bag!! LOL

<Rey>I know, Thx again!

<Ben>Ya know what, Rey—I’m excited to see where this goes!

<Rey> Ya know what, Ben – I’m excited to see you again!

<Ben> We must dance some more – first time since my wedding.

<Ben> It felt nice… you felt nice!

<Rey> Heart emoji, kiss emoji

***

His ritual of push-ups and sit-ups had been totally disrupted. Rey had already affected him in so many ways. He was much happier now. He found himself smiling and laughing more. He felt lighter and so much more positive…. more genuine. Ben can’t remember the last time he had to reach for that trusty “game face”. He didn’t need it now! He was more open and has no reason to continue hiding his feelings. The dark brooding, cynical and sardonic man had died and moved aside. He had been replaced.

Jude had always served as the salve for his scars and gaping wounds. But now Rey ---- she touched his very soul. It was unexplainable, and almost spiritual in a sense. It seemed as though she had the power to heal him from the inside out.

It felt as though he had risen from the depths of some cold, dark chilling cave; he had now emerged feeling renewed, redeemed, and ready to move on with his life. Ready to truly live-- and possibly ready to truly love… again.

_Dude, you are beyond infatuation, beyond smitten-- Ben Solo, you have fallen hard!_

“But can I be the man Rey deserves? Will I be able to make her happy? I want to try”. Ben mused to himself quietly.

“I know I don’t want to be alone anymore." He sighed before stating simply, "I'm not alone."

There were no guarantees in life. His life had proven that up to this point. Maybe, just maybe he did deserve to be happy. Bazine’s words flooded back into his brain, she said “Keep an open mind, Ben. You cheat yourself by limiting your possibilities.”

“Well, Solo.... Here’s to new possibilities.” He breathed out.

He decided to text Rey.

<Ben> Hey, hope your day’s going well – can you get away for lunch Wednesday?

***

Rey lit several candles in her bedroom, with the intention of doing one of her guided meditations. Her mind was swept away to the man who had occupied her thoughts constantly; she opted not to pick up the remote nor push play. The last two weeks had been a whirlwind. Since she first saw Him, the world shifted. They’d talked and texted every day, three times a day since they met for dinner.

Ben Solo was the most kind, generous spirit, open and receptive to new ideas and change. He brought so much to the table. He was successful, a great father, ambitious, witty, charismatic - and so magnetic. He was courageous how he had maneuvered through the mine field of grief undaunted - and all on his own. His willingness to be open, vulnerable, and so intimate despite his past emotional damage was quite encouraging.

_Listen to yourself, Rey! He’s not a patient. He’s a man—quite the man, actually … he’s the kind of man who doesn’t feel threatened by a strong capable woman._ Everything she may have wanted and expected from dating Ben had begun to be realized. Rey you’re comfortable with him. She could already see that he encouraged the “warrior woman” to simply relax and unwind.

He was so attentive. He was present… And such an endearing man. It was so early into their relationship, and he was already finishing her sentences and anticipating her wants and needs. The truth was - he made her heart flutter--- and his voice! Those eyes of his set her aflame. Rey, you’ve fallen hard!!

“It’s been a while, Rey.” - She thought about him holding her close, dancing at Fulcrum’s, how she felt drawn to him, his heat, his intensity, and how they had been swaying gently, the feeling of electricity running through her. She shivered. She thought about her dream, closed her eyes; and imagined he was there now, his arms around her. She shuddered slightly as goose bumps rose up, dotting her arms, neck and chest. The Connection… the Belonging! Rey opened her eyes and acknowledged it was a fantasy and that she was alone.

“But you’re not alone. And neither is he.” she whispered in the air.

Rey slowly sauntered to her windows and got completely lost in the night sky. She picked up her cell and texted Ben.

<Rey> Can’t manage lunch Wednesday, sorry I’m swamped

<Rey> But had a cancellation - I lost a certain client to an associate for Saturday. So, I’ll be done when you guys are done

<Ben> Sweet!

***

Looking out his office window, Rey dominated his thoughts at work as usual. He had already started to get excited about the weekend. She really helped him with explaining to Jude the need for the recent therapist switch. Their conversation went well, and it was all because of her. He pulled himself back into his “work” mode, knowing he had things to complete before going home.

Ben perused the additional documents for the Coruscant Project. Doph sure had been right on the money, Kenobi had made them the leads on the new job. The Coruscant partners seemed easy enough to work with, and Ben and Doph had always made a formidable team. Ben was anxious to sink his teeth into the project. It would be a herculean task but also a huge feather in his cap at the firm.

Apparently, Doph had stopped in Ben’s office earlier in the day. He left a small package on Ben’s desk which he hadn't opened nor given it much thought. He simply assumed it was either some book or DVD he may have lent him in the past. Ben tossed it inside his backpack without ever noticing the post-it note affixed to it.

***

Later that evening, Ben laid across his bed and reached for his cell.

<Ben> Thinking about you

<Rey> Wow, was just thinking about you, too

<Ben> Excited about tomorrow

<Rey> Me, too – can’t wait to see you

<Ben> I should’ve kissed you at Fulcrum’s

<Rey> I should’ve kissed YOU at Fulcrum’s

***

“Ready whenever you are, Kid.” Ben’s eyes swept over his son’s bedroom. He took in every movie poster, comic book, drawing, framed photo, model plane, sticker, book, calligraphy pen, video game cartridge, Lego, and action figure. For the first time in ages he allowed himself to appreciate and bask in the pride and joy he had in his son --- and more importantly, the role he has played in his life. He had never been the father who took credit for his son’s development. But now Ben saw it as if through clearer eyes, the part he’d played. He could now revel in it and was grateful.

Jude stood in the center of his bedroom, staring intently at his father before clearing his throat.

_Dear Mom,_

_I wanted to write you to tell you how I feel. I miss you a lot. And I love you very much._

_Dad told me you loved me very much, too._

_Sometimes I wish that I could remember you but I don’t, and that makes me kind of sad._

_Dad_ _told me you were from Italy and worked for the embassy. That makes me half Italian. I think that is very cool, and I would have liked for you to tell me all about it. Dad also says I have your lips even though I have his eyes._

 _He_ _tells me the stories of how you met in a bathroom of a Chinese restaurant and when he sang to you at your wedding all the time. I think that is funny._

_Some people believe we get to see the people we love again. I am not so sure, but I would really like to see you again._

_Love, Jude_

Ben was completely and utterly moved. “Wow, Kid! That was great. Your Mom would love that. You did such a good job. Bring it in. Bring it in.” Ben squatted down from the edge of Jude’s desk, hugging his son to him tightly nearly lifting him off the floor. “You’re going to do great in your session”. He leaned in and kissed Jude on the forehead. And his heart swelled in his chest.

“Without a doubt” he nodded knowingly. “Thanks Dad --- your turn, your turn!” Jude then scrambled up onto his bed and sat cross-legged in front of his pillows, being the ever captive audience. Ben slowly picked up the paper from Jude’s desk. Anxious, he was keenly aware his letter may lead to more questions than answers for Jude. Unsure and a little unsteady, he focused for a moment before beginning.

_Dear Mina,_

_I have been struggling with writing to you for quite some time. Words often fail me._

_Grieving you has been very painful and difficult for me. We were truly in love and I never ever question that. You left a hole inside me._

_I desperately wish I had been able to get you the help you needed. I am sorry we were at odds over Jude and how to raise him. My heart aches over your death; it was so senseless. It must have been frightening and horrifying. I cannot imagine._

_Know that there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t question what I could have done to prevent it._

_I am so sorry you are not here to see how Jude has grown. You would be happy to know the young man he is becoming. Most importantly, and rest assured he is a loving happy child._

_Love, Ben_

They stared at each other in total silence, and Ben could only hope for the best.

***

Jude started therapy for the first time with Finn Harris, reading his letter to Mina out loud to him.

“I really like your letter, Jude. Did your father help you with it?" Finn inquired.

“Nope, I wrote it all by myself, but I read it to him this morning before we came.” Jude nodded with a little added smirk.

“That was a good idea.” Finn remarked as he pulled a single sheet of paper out of a folder, mindfully sliding it across the table to Jude, “This is what we call a Feeling Worksheet”. He introduced, “Let’s start with sadness. You mentioned it in your letter. What else makes you sad, Jude?”

“Mom always seems so sad in her pictures, her paintings and her poetry,” Jude offered. “I dunno - I just don’t get it. Cuz Dad always says having me made her so happy.” He shrugged, tightened his lips and lowered his eyes.

“It’s okay, and I know it can be kind of confusing.” Finn offered Jude several suggestions for navigating successfully through difficult emotions, recommending how to make healthier choices in order to better react and respond to them. They continued to work through several other feelings on the worksheet, and Finn provided Jude two more take home assignments.

As the two of them approached the outer office, Finn made eye contact with Ben.

“Whenever you have a moment, Mr. Solo, please give me a call. Something came up today, and I’d like to discuss it with you.” He nodded warmly. Ben gestured and gave him the 'OK' sign; while he ushered Jude out of the office. As he did, he caught a glimpse of Rey, and subtly winked at her, and Rey smiled and blushed as she watched them leave.

***

Ben called Finn while Jude grabbed things he wanted to take along for the ride upstate.

“Hello, Mr. Solo, I just wanted to let you know that there was a very sensitive issue that cropped up today in Jude’s session”. Finn explained.

“Nothing alarming – I hope?” Ben fidgeted a little with his watch, hoping to wrap the call up and not have to hide it from Jude.

“No, not alarming at all, but I wanted you to be aware, and perhaps we can address it further at our next session when you’ll be joining us.” Ben sighed in relief.

Finn continued, “He mentioned how he’s never seen or has any recollections or images of his mother being happy--- it also came up in his letter. I thought maybe we could put our heads together prior to next week and arrive at a plan.”

“Understood, and that sounds doable, in the meantime I’ll see if I can find something. Thanks.”

“Talk to you again soon, Solo”.

“Appreciate it, Finn. Bye” Ben hung up before he realized that Finn had just called him 'Solo".

***

After securing the rental car, Ben and Jude shot by Rey’s to pick her up. Ben then texted Mr. Canady to let him know they were on the road and running a little late. He was over the moon having Rey join him and Jude for the trip. Deep down inside, he intuitively felt he’d need her with him. He leapt out of the car to assist her in, greeting her with a “Well, Hello there.” He literally beamed opening her door for her. He had to laugh to himself, seeing her in jeans and a Columbia University long sleeve tee-shirt. Even dressed casually, she looked amazing. It was funny primarily because both he and Jude were wearing jeans and rocking their matching Syracuse tees.

“Hi, Ben“, she greeted him as she entered the vehicle, sat and turned to the back seat, “Hi Jude, how was today with Finn?”

“Went pretty good.” he said while clutching his hand-held game. “I like him a lot, he’s very cool.”

“Glad to hear it.” She remarked before she turned to Ben and gently placed her hand upon his thigh. “And how are you, Mr. Solo?”

“I’m doing great, I’m so glad you’re joining us.” Ben winked at her.

The ride up to Binghamton was pretty smooth. Traffic seemed to flow and allowed them to go straight through without any snags. It was a perfect afternoon. He finally felt comfortable and daring enough to slide his hand over Rey’s thigh.

He caught sight of Jude in his rear view mirror, his nose plastered to the glass, and he was instantaneously transported back in time to the many Solo family road trips. Ben saw his nine year old self, gazing out the window and enamored by all the natural beauty whizzing by. _Time is a funny thing, he thought to himself. They say it heals – well, we are certainly about to find out. It has been eight years._

Fifteen minutes out from the house, Ben realized that Jude had never played his video game the entire way. He was completely riveted by all their conversations, favorite sports, favorite music, favorite movies, especially the debate on which is best, DC vs. Marvel.

They pulled up into the driveway of his parent's house, and Ben spied Canady’s pick-up in what was once his father’s spot. Unlike his mother, Han never used the garage except for repairs.

Ben waved to Canady, and met him on the sprawling porch. The two shook hands and entered the house.

Jude and Rey began to explore the property, heading towards the rear of the house. It dawned on Ben as he watched them, that Jude was seeing all this for the first time. Ben had often boasted to Jude what a spacious yard he had growing up. Jude found the empty kennels particularly interesting. His dad had also told him his grandmother was once a dog breeder.

While Ben and Canady took inventory of Han and Leia’s belongings, clothing, books, dog breeding stuff, music, awards, photo albums, cards and letters, Ben remained focused. He offered Canady his father’s guns, rifles and deer head trophies and antlers, after the old man expressed an interest. He walked throughout the entire first floor marking items destined for storage. His task completed, he finally headed upstairs.

Every stairwell, every closet, every window, every alcove and every door represented memories both old and new. Ben’s room conjured a myriad of mixed feelings; his old Alice Cooper poster, high school yearbook, and college text books reminded him of his youth. When he spied the thrift store bassinet on the floor next to his bed, he remembered the night Mina came for Jude. A sharp pain shot straight up from his neck to his temple, and he shuddered. Then he overheard Jude speaking with Mr. Canady downstairs about the breeds of dogs his grandmother once had, and it helped to ground him. He pushed through the pain hoping it was psychosomatic, as he gathered a few books and photo albums, before heading for the door. Rey was standing there, silently watching him. The pain left him instantly at the sight of her.

“How‘re you making out up here?” she blinked up at him. “Are you okay?”

“I had a little moment, but I’m good now. I’m good.” He nodded, then shrugged. “Think we’ll be wrapping up soon. Everything in here, and whatever is in Mom’s room I’m going to let Canady put in storage”.

“Oh, so there’s nothing you want of hers or that you think she may want?” Rey tilted her head and wrinkled her brow a bit, concern and sincerity emanating from her.

Ben reached for Rey’s hand, clasping it firmly before leading her to Leia’s room. He stopped at the landing before the stairs briefly, and lowered the books and albums to rest against the banister. Not letting her go, he continued down the hall.

Ben shouted downstairs to Moden, ”Mr. Canady, everything left in my room can go.” And then Ben stood stoic outside the doorway of Leia’s bedroom with his feet nearly glued to the floor. He turned to Rey.

“I can’t go through her things, Rey. I just can't.” He stood there nervous, yet resolute.

“Maybe you should” she offered, squeezing his hand gently.

“It’ll be so much easier to just box it all up.” Ben said feeling defeated.

“Ben ----What did I tell you I’d do when we were at dinner?” Rey took his other hand in hers.

Unsure, Ben stared vacantly for a moment before answering. “Yes, you said--- you said, '... I’ll help you'.”

Nodding knowingly she broke the threshold and lead him into the room. “Let’s do it together.”

Ben followed her, and they looked around Leia's bedroom, drawn to personal things, books, jewelry boxes, tapestries, mementos, sculptures, magazines, family photos, paintings, souvenirs from travel, carvings and perfume bottles. He relaxed in Rey’s presence, and felt much more at ease. Wandering through the world that was Leia Organa-Solo turned out to be less frightening than he anticipated.

Suddenly, he watched Rey bend down next to his Mom’s night stand. She had focused upon a two-sided picture frame. On one side there is a photo of Ben. He appeared to be about nineteen or twenty, perhaps. Slowly step by step, he closed the gap between them and peered over her shoulder. Ben glanced at the picture and recognized it instantly.

“That’s when I was at Syracuse. I remember that.” He said relieved. “But what’s on the other side?”

“Looks like a hand-written note…… oh, it’s from you” Rey mentioned as she delicately picked up the entire frame, turned and passed it to him.

On a single sheet of a Syracuse University issued notepad, it read:

_Mom,_

_This stuff with Dad is really getting to me. I Miss Him._

_Pretty sure I’m going to really need your help to get thru this._

_We are all we have now._

_Ben_

The only sound in the room was their stilted breathing. Ben held the frame close to his chest; his brow knitted, and head bowed almost reverently. Rey stood, stepped behind him and placed her hands delicately on each shoulder. Time stopped as they stood there together silently, motionless. Suddenly, Ben took Rey’s hand again, and headed back out into the hall. They made their way to the stairwell once more, and he picked up the other items.

They made it halfway down the steps, when Ben stopped abruptly. He dropped everything in his hands; turning towards Rey, and looked intently into her eyes searching… searching for permission, and pulls her to him. She silently gives him what he is asking with a nod. Tenderly, he lightly traced the line of her cheek with the back of his fingers. He cupped her cheek and softly kissed her there, his eyes never leaving hers. She hummed sweetly in anticipation. His hand trailed delicately down to her chin turning it up slightly, until his lips met hers. The kiss was soft, but passionate. His tongue slowly lined the seam of her lips and then parted them ever so slowly. Her lashes fluttered and Rey fervently returned the kiss fully, deeply. Their kiss grew wet and wonderful, tongues tangled, tumbled and danced against the other's. He sucked her into him, and she wrapped her arms around his neck while her fingers played with his hair at the nape of his neck.

When he ended their kiss, they broke apart breathless; and he placed one more light kiss upon her forehead, before he gazed down at Rey and hugged her to him once more even tighter.

“I need you in my life, Rey” Ben confessed, “I want you in my life! I’m not sure about fate or destiny, but I want to love again, Rey! And I want to love you.” All of Ben’s insecurities and inadequacies fell away. It was almost ethereal.

“Hey Dad”! Jude shouted while approaching the bottom step. Both Ben and Rey winced. “Mr. Canady wants to know if you’re finished.”

“Kid, tell him yes!” Ben smirked, boyishly blushing while he offered Rey a knowing nod. She blushed as well.

They gathered all their things, and Ben informed Mr. Canady what went to storage, and what were his intentions with his old car, and they bade him good-bye. The three of them piled back into the car. Feeling a vibration in his pocket, Ben pulled out his cell. It was Mitaka.

<Doph> Dude, surprised you haven’t hit me back

<Ben>Wassup, Doph

<Doph> Jude like it?

<Ben> ????

<Doph> So, I just knew I’d make him smile! Took you back, didn’t it?

<Doph> the DVD

<Ben> sorry, haven’t looked at it yet. but thanks, Doph

<Doph> you should – but, it’s for Jude really

***

They grabbed tacos on the way back into the city. The long ride was even smoother than the way up. They shared many side glances, and feelings left unspoken. Their hands never left each other's thighs the entire trip. Manhattan lights shone in the distance, home called to them. Ben walked Rey to her loft entrance way. They kissed at her door. Ben already hated the fact he had to leave her.

"We, sir, have unfinished business." Rey remarked as she looked him squarely in the eye unflinching.

"Indeed we do!" Ben replied, already missing her.

After leaving Rey with great difficulty, Ben and Jude practically tumbled into their apartment. Ben gave Jude a bath pass for the night, and making him promise to shower first thing in the morning. After digging the package out of his backpack, Ben realized immediately what the DVD was. There was, in fact a post-it note on it reading _“Jude, thought you’d get a kick outa your Dad, The Crooner!”_

Years ago, Dolph had video-taped their wedding; and the DVD was of Ben singing to Mina the Italian love song, “Tu Si Na Cosa Grand Pe Me.”

The two curled up on the couch and watched the DVD together before going to bed.

Before Ben hit the light on his night table, he texted Rey, while he looked at the frame from Leia’s room.

<Ben> You awake?

<Rey> Yes

<Ben> Wanna talk?

<Rey> Sure

<Ben> If you tell me your dream, I’ll tell you mine

***

**Two Weeks Later**

It was another beautiful Sunday morning. Ben encountered Jude already up, in his pajamas sitting at the kitchen island - viciously attacking a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Ben checked his cell phone for missed calls or texts….. Nothing.

“Morning, Kid”, Ben ruffled Jude’s hair, “Hey, I have a great idea --- since you’ve become quite the letter writer, how about we attempt another one today….?” Ben smiled as he flipped the coffee maker switch on.

“To who….?” Jude’s curiosity spread across his cheeks.

“To whom. To your Grandmother” he offered.

They both sat down after breakfast and wrote Leia’s letter together.

_Dear Mom and Dear Grandma,_

_I am sorry for not writing or visiting you before now._

_And I am sorry I have never met you._

_I_ _realize we have a long road ahead of us, but I’m willing to work toward something better._

_A lot of my friends have grandparents, and I am happy to know I have you._

_From now on, I will try harder to be here for you should you ever need me._

_I really liked you and grandad’s house, Dad just took me to visit. I would love to come back soon._

_Love, Ben_

_Love, Jude_

***

Once Ben and Jude left the car rental office, they headed over to pick up Rey once again. Ben parked outside her loft, and took a moment to text Hux.

<Ben> We will see you shortly

Ben, Jude and Rey hit the road again together - this time to the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility.

**Epilogue –**

Rey stood out on her terrace overlooking the city. She clutched her first cup of coffee for the day close to her chest. Bare foot and comfy, she was snuggled gently in her favorite white terry robe. A warm smile wafted across her face, her cheeks faintly flushed. She basked in the sun, bathing in the quiet moment. Introspective…. It was idyllic.

“I’ve been thinking, with Spring Break coming soon, let’s think about having a real get-away. Are you interested?” Ben sidled up behind her, wrapping his arms firmly around her waist. Ben, barefoot, wearing his white terry robe and white boxers, leaned in closer, his chin nuzzling her neck.

“Mmm-hmm, that actually sounds marvelous!” Rey melted into him, “I’m game if I can make it fit my patient schedule.” She turned fully into him and completely sank into chest. The sound of his heartbeat was soothing and calming. It was: Home.

“Well, now that I know you’re a jazz lover – how does North Sea Jazz Festival sound to you? It’s in early June” he murmured while curling her hair at the shell of her ear around his two fingers, lightly brushing her neck.

“I’m absolutely on board. Where exactly is it?" She gazed up at him through her long lashes, his massive frame, broad shoulders, and tousled hair blotting out the sun.

Ben softly kisses the crown of her head. “It’s in Curacao, Dutch Caribbean.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is My Very First Fic everyone, so .....please be gentle with me! Kudos and comments are not only wanted & welcomed but needed!


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